Verbatim

Never give anyone benefit of doubt. You have nothing to benefit from doubt, except greater wisdom to stay the fuck away until shown otherwise. If they have not clearly communicated to earn your trust in that regard, then you have no business filling in the blanks. 💯

Maybe number five or number six I believe that's which one I am Out of all of your kids Kinda hard to keep track to be honest Met another one last August And that part wasn't even the hardest Because you abandoned her too Left us to grow in the dying carcass That should have been a relationship with you It was weird missing a stranger Because every time you'd try to meet up, Something always had to come up Still I begged my mom to wait just a little bit longer.. All I wanted was a father Always wondered how you could deny me as your daughter Was it easy? Born into this feeling of inadequacy Because you didn't want me Maybe you just felt guilty Or maybe you just forgot about me So rejection became the normalcy Well acquainted myself with my own mortality Over that longing for duality I suppose I never got enough vitamin D And M seemed to be just a little too busy So I supplemented those spaces With the faces of other men Always loved my step...

I do not resent fear. Fear inspires movement. It is up to you to choose whether that movement is forward or away. @rs.darko

He told me he had "A thing for Asians.." As if I should be pleased that my eye-shape had suddenly made me collectible. @rs.darko

I am inspiration I am guile I am simultaneously victory and defeat I am the stars in your eyes I am the ground beneath your feet I am your branches in the wind I am a cool, summer breeze I am the pollen on your lashes I am your memories of the sea I am an open book I am a home for hearts on sleeves I am magic I am forgiveness I am the taste of reveries I am a cloudy day of snowstorms, and still, I am insatiable for more I am the sound of sadness As it trickles on the floor I am a naked shoulder I am the running stream of tears I am heartache I am self-doubt I am the plight of wasted years I am the winter chill Sending goose bumps through your clothes I am missing you But I miss myself the most

He uses my own scars against me Creating new ones of his own design It's not his strength that I'm intimidated by Nor the look in his eyes when he's making me cry It's that I start to "understand" why I could deserve punishment just for enjoying the warmth of my shine

After my gold paint turned to rust What once shimmered now turned to dust And I began to lose trust that you would come back 'round to me again Oh what a fool I've been To just sit here waiting for an end But these horses aren't real And this love was just pretend..

It's such a relief to be Almost thirty And finally coming to grips with reality.. The other day someone asked me If I ever wished I could go back and be That same girl maybe twenty two, twenty three Itty bitty, baby faced cheese All swaggy and steez Wild and free The life of every party With an endless wardrobe and a pretty bangin' body Ha Sure, a body starved of self-validation maybe No, actually, a body literally starving Just to try and fit into an old pair of jeans I wasn't wild, I was reckless, lost I got my freedom at expensive costs The center of attention and yet always alone A man's arms were an easy place to call home With lampshade love you're only ever catching projections Of a need to overcome any feelings of rejection Not to mention The self-obsession With always needing their attention Complacency allows for sorry memory retention So the same mistakes become exceptions And history repeats itself in explanations Physical sens...

I'm not a perfect parent I'm not even certain I'm a decent person Sometimes I struggle just to pay rent Sometimes I smile even when I'm hurtin' All I can hope for is that he's learnin' That somehow my smiles have a way of turnin' His bad days into good ones His zero moments into lump sums No, not only that of the monetary, Though I'm sure that couldn't hurt, But to keep away feelings of the solitary No matter how many times I myself revert 'Cause true love does not confine For I found no shelter to forever be safe No corner too kind to let the rest go to waste What an injustice it would be To keep him here solely for me Just 'cause for once I truly feel happy But, no, I want way too much more for him I want him to be free I wish only to be the roots to his ever-growing tree So I may keep him grounded without keeping him too far From heaven, or from his own perfect place in the stars. For Arthur Reese

Hello again, digital world! I am back on the interwebs and with a fresh perspective at that. I know this blog is less than a spec in the grand scheme of the world, but I felt I should explain, to anyone who cares, the reason(s) for my four-month hiatus. After writing my eighth month birthday post for Arthur, I realized that I was dissatisfied with my blog, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I absolutely loved sharing my little updates about Arthur's growth and development, and loved sharing all the little "mommyisms" that I was discovering day by day. It was the fact that I did not feel comfortable being 100% transparent about my personal experiences with motherhood because I knew that my general lifestyle is considered questionable by some, and easily judged by many. My biggest fear was that writing the complete truth would incur some controversy, particularly with the more traditional branches of my extended family. However, I have been doing some serious soul searchin...

I didn't get to write my weekend post because I woke up Saturday morning with the worst stomach sickness! :c[ If you're the workaholic kind of parent that I can sometimes be, then you understand how excruciating it can be to throw in the towel and just admit defeat to common illness. Needless to say, experiencing this amount of pain and uselessness while having to watch Ares is indeed unpleasant. One day off could mean a ton of setbacks with errands and chores, and missing out on a precious day with my quickly growing babe. Thankfully my amazing love and super dad swooped in to save the day by using one of his sick days from work. Together we were able to seemingly conquer the day... and by that I mean I slept for seven hours while he and the Ares hung out, intermittently nursing me back to health with their adorable shenanigans. I know it sucks having to take the time off from work at the same time as being away from your baby, but it is still important to take car...

Once I was feeling comfortable enough to start working out again, I looked up some light cardio and simple calisthenics routines online, and slowly I began to rebuild my muscles and regain my strength. I've always felt that working out and being able to push myself to the next level offered me a therapeutic release. Any stress, worries, or frustrations can be left out on the floor, being expelled through all your hard work and sweat, along with any other negativity you might be holding onto. I think the hardest thing to keep in mind when it comes to an effective workout routine is setting realistic short- and long-term goals, as well as remaining consistently dedicated. We all know that this will not be an overnight transformation, which is something I constantly have to tell myself. Results are slow going at first, but as long as you maintain that drive and track your progress on a weekly and monthly basis, then you'll see the changes you want. Don't be af...

I've heard that one of the more difficult parts of adjusting to parenthood is trying to find a balance between being a nurturing, new mother and still being a flirty, vivacious wife. I most definitely share in this sentiment! Don't get me wrong, it's not that my husband and I have lost attraction towards each other in any way. However, the healing process from a c-section birth can be long and grueling, and the process of feeling physically comfortable, let alone sexy and confident, might seem out of reach for a while. Becoming a mother is one of the most amazing blessings that a woman could receive, but the physical repercussions can be a little more than overwhelming. You find yourself wondering things like "will sex ever feel the same again," "how does my vagina plan to survive this," "is the remaining carnage I call my skin ever going to see the sun in a skimpy bikini again?" No matter your questions or concerns, I promise yo...

I decided, after some heavy introspection as of late, that I can attribute a huge part of my success this past year and a half to my ability to finally take a step back and face my most detrimental problems from which I had been running for almost ten years. [At some point you just gotta ask yourself why tf are you tripping on stuff that happened in, like, '07! Come on now..] Some may not know this, but, as much as Vegas feels like home to me, I've only lived here for four and a half years, and this is, in fact, the fifth state I've lived in. One of the common denominators of all my moves and uprootedness was that I was always running from something... whether it was a bad relationship, pressure from my family to go back to college, or just generally my own past tendencies and reputation. I was so caught up with trying to fit the mold of what everyone was expecting of me that I lost sight of my own personal dreams, and stopped allowing myself to discover new things to l...

I'm something of a movie junkie. I love them! There are so many on my "to-see" list that I just feel I've grown insatiable. One of my favorite genres is the whole major disaster/end of the world bit, mainly because I am an extremely pessimistic person [unfortunately] and I have what I like to call a "final destination" perspective. Whether you wanna call it Murphy's Law or just bad luck, I have given up doubting that the worst possible thing(s) could happen to me. I'm not gonna say I live my life in fear of death, but that my imagination allows me to play with ideas of death happening in pretty much any situation.   Anywho, I just watched Jurassic World [don't ask me why I waited so long to see it in theaters]. It was so awesome! It's amazing to think of what magnificent feats can be achieved through genetic modifications. Magnificent, but terrifying at the same time. I'm sick of humans always trying to play God. I would not be at ...

I decided to start blogging about my life as of late. I know it's always hard to start these things off 'cause one must beg the question, "what makes my life so damn important that the rest of the world should know?" I don't know if all bloggers struggle with this at first, but I am more than happy to share my 20-something-year-old happenings with anyone who might share in my thoughts, oppose them with some trolling rebuttal, or scoff at my page altogether. All that matters, is that we all go through some shit, and I will make it my mission to break down that whole FB façade that we're all perfect and happy and smiling and successful. To hell with that! Isn't one of the reasons the internet exists is to be able to exercise your freedom of speech and expression, and to tell some pretween troll to go fuck himself with his mother's dildo? Okay, maybe we won't go that far. Anyway, today is Thursday I believe, which is now a beacon of nostalgic pic...