Exposé (Chapter 1): the truth about my "mom life" and why I didn't have the guts to talk about it before
Hello again, digital world! I am back on the interwebs and with a fresh perspective at that. I know this blog is less than a spec in the grand scheme of the world, but I felt I should explain, to anyone who cares, the reason(s) for my four-month hiatus. After writing my eighth month birthday post for Arthur, I realized that I was dissatisfied with my blog, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I absolutely loved sharing my little updates about Arthur's growth and development, and loved sharing all the little "mommyisms" that I was discovering day by day. It was the fact that I did not feel comfortable being 100% transparent about my personal experiences with motherhood because I knew that my general lifestyle is considered questionable by some, and easily judged by many. My biggest fear was that writing the complete truth would incur some controversy, particularly with the more traditional branches of my extended family.
However, I have been doing some serious soul searching these past few months, and, as I have my entire life, I had to confront my personal inhibitions and learn to be comfortable in my own skin, accepting all my facets regardless of what may be considered "normal" by others. Okay, so you're probably wondering what the hell I'm actually talking about at this point.. Come on, Reese, where is this drawn out intro going? Well, it's hard, guys! How does one introduce a lifelong struggle with the confusion of bisexuality and its effects on one's marriage and parenthood? What exactly is "poly lifestyle," and how have my husband and I adapted our peculiar sexual tendencies into a healthy, functioning lifestyle that can be looked at from a place of open-mindedness, passion, and understanding, instead of that of presumptions, taboo, and shame?
It starts with love. My husband, Frank, and I have so much love for each other, but we both have also struggled with a history of promiscuity, emotional damage, and conflicting desires from that of a typical monogamous relationship. For years, we dabbled with the idea of a polyamorous lifestyle, first experimenting with opportunistic casual encounters, and then with deliberately orchestrated ventures. Of course it was awkward in the beginning.. yes, there were miscommunications. Yes, there were insecurities.. but to be honest the vulnerability almost made it that much more appealing to me. I could see us stripped down to the bones of what we were to each other and what we sought in our "unicorn." I saw in Frank, my steadfast pillar. I trusted him and his intentions as he had never been anything but transparent with me in this regard. Even in times when I found myself insecure and overridden with thoughts of not being good enough, he always built me up and emphasized the importance of my confidence in this whole scenario, reassuring me that he would not push me beyond what I felt comfortable with doing. He encouraged me to talk to whomever I liked, allowing me to try and build that sort of connection with a third person who I deemed compatible with us individually and as a couple. In time, we began to learn the ins and outs of our tastes, delving into this world like an old flame reintroduced as a wildfire of a phoenix from ashes.
Then, boom. Baby happens. A whirlwind of changes, beauty, and fear of the unknown.. what did this mean for our newfound romantic endeavors and sexcapades? Well needless to say, things had to take the backburner for a while, at least physically. Uh, hello, I was a little busy baking a human. Frank and I underwent some hardships what with my emotional/physical unavailability, confusion, and doubt that we could make our sexual lifestyle coincide with that of new parents. How could I possibly feel as sexy and confident as I did before with the addition of stretch marks, added baby weight, and a suckling child at my teet? What kind of person could actually be attracted to the strange dynamic of a polyamorous family? You can understand my skepticism. I was already scared of the onslaught of postpartum depression everyone had warned me about, let alone the possible rift created between me and Frank over my prioritizing new motherhood over my established wifehood.
Three months of pure joy and scared-shitlessness (yes, I am coining this word because what better way to describe the courage and fragility of being a new mom)... As my body began to deflate and reshape back into its old curves and the evolved version of its former glory, I decided to put myself back out there. I created an OKCupid account summarizing the truth of my recovery from childbirth and my pursuit of my and my husband's carnal desires once again. Through this doorway, Frank and I discovered much more about ourselves, as we were introduced to pansexuality and its place in our marriage. But what adventures we embarked on from here will have to wait for chapter two...
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