Daddy Issues

Maybe number five or number six
I believe that's which one I am
Out of all of your kids
Kinda hard to keep track to be honest
Met another one last August

And that part wasn't even the hardest
Because you abandoned her too
Left us to grow in the dying carcass
That should have been a relationship with you

It was weird missing a stranger
Because every time you'd try to meet up,
Something always had to come up
Still I begged my mom to wait just a little bit longer..

All I wanted was a father
Always wondered how you could deny me as your daughter
Was it easy?

Born into this feeling of inadequacy
Because you didn't want me
Maybe you just felt guilty
Or maybe you just forgot about me
So rejection became the normalcy

Well acquainted myself with my own mortality
Over that longing for duality
I suppose I never got enough vitamin D
And M seemed to be just a little too busy
So I supplemented those spaces
With the faces of other men
Always loved my step dad
Even though I never knew how to talk to him
And seeing his love for my little sister made me envy them
Because I would have done anything for some validation
Maybe that's why I've tried to start this poem on so many occasions
But could never find the right rhymes
To accurately describe the growing hole inside
Where I should have grown comforting relations

Instead of this onslaught of desperation
For your approval I never got
So was reflected in all the fucked up relationships I sought
Perhaps toxic love was the only kind I'd been taught

Half of myself unknown to me cause I was told it was wrong
But these curls and this temper,
Didn't come from my Mom
And I saw them as a burden for so long
As if all you could leave me
Was a double helix of unruly,
Misguided fire
Burning in my veins with unhealthy desires
Like malleable wire
Bending me in all sorts of directions
But never growing roots
Scared I could be destined to always run away like you do
But I refuse..

Looking at my son now
I know the truth
That you were just a coward
And you knew it too
You never deserved me
And through all the suffering
I grew to be a better me
Who now outside your shadows can strive
Though still I hang onto darkness inside
Because without it, I never would have discovered my light
And that fire is what keeps my soul burning bright
It's what arms me with this sharp tongue to wield in every fight
And a pen for a sword to write away my lonely nights

I'm done being so angry and so sad
You know sometimes it still hurts pretty bad
But somehow I find the courage to pick up this notepad
And pay homage to the man you weren't to me
So thank you, Dad.