The R Word

I told my rapist I loved him
Because I did
And in some ways I still do

Even in the dark cloud of shame
Whenever someone mentions his name
Even though I never wanted to
Do the things we did
Somehow I convinced myself
I asked for it
Agreed that it would be our secret

That hush upon my lips
Turned to quiet consequence
The loss of innocence
At age 8
Bred two decades of self hate
Which only boys and other poisons could satiate

Medicated through the pain, but remained confused
Allowed my body to be consumed
Mistaken passion from sexual abuse
I told my rapist I was sorry the day I finally refused

At age 14
Torn between
Continuing

And screaming

I was so scared to lose him
Lose his attention

It's so fucking disgusting to reminisce
On the fact that throughout my adolescence
This is what I understood of intimate affection

At age 15
I would have done anything
To no longer be a "virgin"
To casualize sexual interaction
Convince myself
This was common practice
That I didn't have to be a victim

Body rotting within this flesh
Broken walls to house the homeless
I still cannot undress
Without that sinking feeling in between breaths
Gravity impaling through my chest
To know that he also hurt my little sis

I'll never not blame myself for this
For allowing this evil to exist
For my awareness
That these kinds of monsters live among us,
And within us
Yet no one had the courage to defend us

Even now, I've barely found my voice to say this
But I have to scream out for all the girls who remain voiceless
Unaware of their choices

Even I,
At age 29
For the very first time
Have finally addressed him as
My RAPIST.