Harvey Gifted Entry (Tone)

So it’s finally Christmas time. Xmas time if you’re nasty. The time of year where we all come together, put aside our differences, exchange gifts and enjoy each other’s’ company.

Yeah we’re not doing that this year.

Look let’s be real here. Even at the best of times Christmas is a simmering powder keg of rage and misery. We all travel on shitty red eye flight to go half way across the country to hang out with relatives we never talk to, sing crappy songs about reindeer, and go into poverty buying gifts for old ass grandparents who despite having lived through about twenty different social equality movements still keep calling the neighbors down the street “the blacks.”

And why do we keep doing this year after year? Isn’t this a religious holiday? Hell, I’m sure half this country ditched Christianity and switched to Norse religion when Marvel cast Tom Hiddleston and his devilish sexy charm as Loki. But for some reason we still have to get together every December to celebrate when Jesus came to Earth from the planet Krypton and saved us from a dragon. Or something like that. I don’t know. Have you tried reading the Bible? That book is thicker and denser than a porn star snorting Viagra. I get three “begats” in before I fall asleep from boredom.

So maybe after this dumpster fire of a year, maybe we should just all do ourselves a favor and say fuck it to the traditions of old. We’re living in the age of the new normal, so maybe it’s time to come up with brand new ways of celebrating of baby Jesus H. Christ. I’ve put together some helpful suggestions on how to reinvite the holiday season.

1. Stay the fuck home.

In case you’ve been living under a rather large rock/monolith this year, the whole world is under siege from the Corona virus. And while there are a couple of vaccines on the horizon chances are you’re not getting them anytime soon. The only people getting that shit in the near future are doctors, politicians, and billionaires with so much money they might as well be living in a volcano with their face carved in the side.

So why risk your life traveling this year, potentially getting sick as a bunch of mask less idiots run around spreading more disease than a seedy massage parlor? Just stay home. Have yourself a nice Zoom Christmas this season. Sure, it’s a bit less personal but let’s be honest here. If you really wanted a nice relationship with your biologically related nut jobs you call a family, you have more of interaction with them than just writing Happy Birthday on their Facebook wall once a year. Plus, when you’re Aunt starts talking about her coloscopy, you can just mute her and just nod your head while watching Netflix in another window.

2. Drug everybody.

Chances are with so many states legalizing weed, you probably either live in or are going to a place where pot is a-ok. So why not spice it up this year? Instead of having a normal dinner, baste the turkey in weed butter. Between the tryptophan and the THC, you can pass out of the couch after dessert and sleep until 2021. Not only will you get the best sleep of your life, but you can skip having to deal with Godzilla or zombies or whatever last-minute hell this nightmare year is going to spring on us at the last minute.

3. Start an Only Fans page.

If you are going to deal with your shitty in-laws this year, you might have to be a bit preemptive when it comes to getting out of boring conversations. So why not jump on the latest bandwagon and start making homemade amateur porn? The sicker and more depraved the better. That way when the family starts asking what you do for a living, you can describe in great detail how you cram all kinds of objects into your various orifices for strangers on the internet. Not only will they stop talking to you, but as an added bonus they will keep your obnoxious nieces and nephews away from you as well. Leaving you in peace to spend your new Amazon gift cards on video games and anal lube. God bless us everyone.

4. Take the fighting outside.

Try as you might, there’s a good chance that your holiday will end in a verbal, possibly even physical altercation. Between debates on whether or not Covid is real, or which old senile white guy rightfully won the election, there’s all kinds of possible topics that could lead to having a visit from the local PoPo.  

But why risk smashing all of grandma’s good china? Take that shit outside. Start calling your aunt a cunt on the sidewalk, or drag your brother-in-law across the street by his mullet. Your Christmas may be ruined, but the distraction you cause might be enough to stop your neighbors’ family feuds. And that may be the greatest gift of all.

So those are my tips for surviving the holidays this year. Sure, they might be a bit unorthodox, but this year has been anything but typical. So from my dysfunctional family to yours, we love you, stay safe, fuck 2020, and have a happy new year!