Fuck You

I want to tell you "fuck you"
I do..
But the only words to escape did not describe the hate
Seething at the brim of my eyelids
Okay, "hate" is strong and mostly inaccurate
Because I really only hate feeling so foolish
"Fuck this shit"
"Fuck me"
I can't close these heavy things
Without envisioning your smile behind them

I want to say any of this to you,
But all I could construe
From this scene of trite obscenities is
"I miss you"
And
"What did I do?"

I've never been so confused
As to how somebody could feel as deeply as you do
And still turn both eyes blind
To the massacre such affections could possibly leave behind

Add me to the collection of heartache in your wake
Tell me that it was not my love you wished to take
Or hers, or hers, or hers..

Tell me about how your disclaimer helps you sleep at night
Even though I know it still keeps you up
Analyst of all things thought and yet you still cannot
Interpret the intricacies of your love

Or at least the extent of your own heart's desires
Tell me how you choose to continue living in denial
Passing up any opportunity for the very fire I know you crave
Yet somehow you think you could save
Every woman on any given day
Show them worthiness and praise
Then simply take it all away
And tell them you just need space
Space to think, space to breathe
But both your brain and lungs seemed fine when you needed me
Maybe not in words, but in energy..

Spirituality is not a summer vacation
It is more than smudge, and crystals,
It is unspoken communication
And maybe I should have known better than to fill in the blanks
Between your words and actions
I am familiar with my own mistakes
Always feeding into what I wish to see instead of addressing the bullshit I choose to take

What's fucked is I really can't even call you fake
Cause you've always felt so genuine
But maybe it's the gemini in you to be so plagued with indecision
I thought I was clear in my definition
Of my heart's fragile state
I thought it would be okay with the baby steps we traced
Along this wait
Only moving forward as you made me feel safe
All I wanted was to be a part of the very space
You chose to surround you
Instead of adding myself to the rubble which has gravitated around you

I might not be a notch in your bedpost,
But you're still just the lines of this poem
And I hope that you hear my voice now whenever you're alone
That these words may take shelter here
And in your loneliness find their home