Nice to Meet You, Carysse.

I'm learning to be more myself

And less of what has happened to me

Been trying for a while

Truthfully

It's mostly been denial

Overcompensation for pain

I still can hardly understand

Because when I made them smile,

It made me smile

And it felt good..

Never noticing I had now put my happiness into their hands instead,

Anyone's hands but my own

Looking down at my foreign fingers

I saw clumsy and careless

Instead of home

I wanted to make a home out of someone else's hands..

Just as clumsy and careless as mine, I'm sure, but with bigger plans

To be the uplifting hero I always needed in times I couldn't stand

Myself

That self I never gave a chance to truly learn..

Victim of these burns

I turned away from her

Unable to face the horrors of what was left behind

But these scars are mine

And though I will not let them define me

I will take the time to finally open up my eyes and see

Me.

I cannot love myself if I haven't taken the time to learn myself first

Lemme say that again,

*I  c a n n o t  love myself if I haven't taken the time to  l e a r n  myself first*

Yes, I've acquired these new emotional blemishes and extra curves

I've also been living in reverse

Reliving in loops

Sharing my pain and heartache as if that will somehow undo them

Tracing every imperfection and every curve with the same knife I first fell victim to

I'm realizing

I've spent the last two years overanalyzing

Continuing to list these traumas

Instead of writing a colon in place of a comma

To allow myself to move the fuck on

Away from the undertone

Of everything being PTSD

Silence still scares me

So I'm rarely alone

Even when I am, I stay plugged into my phone

But I'm no longer trying to outsource for my strength

Even if it means having to stare into the fear written on my own face

Even if it means taking that next step

Without anyone else beside me

Fuck it,

I wanna learn this new me like bae

I wanna take her out, I wanna see how she plays

I wanna fall in love with all her ways

Fall in love with every word she says

I wanna learn her silence and not be too scared to stay

Because she's worth it

And even though she's hurting

I see she is still putting so much work in

To be more than what's happened to her