Felt

-

I feel too much

Even my soul has a thousand fingers

Grasping at me desperately

Reminding me there’s still something left to hold into


Each one manicured

Fixed upon pursed lips

Don’t tell them my secrets

That I feel everything in this room

I feel all of you

I feel the pain of bleeding hands reaching for something in a numb world


So much of me consumed in every touch

Because this body has been a punch card

For betrayal in violent love

For violence from those I trust

Every now and again

I come to claim my free crashout

When someone tries to poke me

Where I once was punched


When words hack holes into my heart

Every disappointment silently tears me apart

Still I wear this smile

Like a bandaid over axe wounds

Bandages wrapped ‘round me

In lengths of poetic scriptures

Winding me more tightly

With every length of salt-smudged prose 

Pins poking out my flesh

I carry them

Wondering

If anyone’s noticed I’m walking funny


Those who know me best

Still only know the puppet of my patchwork inadequacies

Each dummy posing pretty

Hiding behind it, a finger

Wagging back and forth

Warning of a path too coarse

I can only let them in so far

Before the fabric begins to fray

Exposing all my soul’s fingers

Reaching for someone to hold onto


Nails anxiety-bitten

Hands veiny from hiding in

Shadows beneath sleeves

Of my different identities

Numbing me from feeling anything at all anymore

Perhaps then I’ll stop feeling pain

Or the need to turn it into such shit poetry

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