Quarantine Meandering

Four walls and a ceiling

Start feeling more like home now

In this skin which has felt foreign to me for months

I tried to hide behind an upturned chin, faded eyes, and a smiling mouth

Truthfully

2020 has not been how I envisioned

Stagnation across the nation

Started locally imprisoned

Right here, between these two ears

Open only to excuses, and projections

Disguised as manifestations

I've learned it's easy

To run away from accountability

When everything you do seems to yield the smallest bit of productivity

Because we stay chasing after checks,

The most exhausting minimum

Too tired to fully invest into our own vision,

Or too scared

To put forth our best effort just to still end up nowhere

Some say success is determined by perspective

It's hard to deny when your Spotify gets less than a thousand listens

Then what was it all for?

Bragging rights, clout?

Like a little league trophy you only pull out

When there's company over and you're feeling nostalgic

Remember when we had to sit around for two months and kick it

While the world suffered from this historical pandemic?

Sometimes, I find myself thanking God for this quarantine

Forcing me to face the shit I've been avoiding

It makes me feel guilty

When I hear of the death toll rising

And I can't even go to the grocery

Without the fear of someone sneezing

Even remotely in my direction

This is not a season for allergies

Without crusade and inquisition

Redefinition of the word essential

Tell me, is this of your essence?

Its absence

Detrimental

To the core of your existence?

Need..

Love..

These are two words people just can't get enough of

So they use them interchangeably

I need a new photo, I need my nails done, I need lashes, I need a new cell phone, 

I need to determine a higher standard for the things I need

I love you, and you, and you, I love all of my friends, I love pizza, pho, and ramen,

I love the idea of love filling my life so effortlessly that I can feel both validated and satiated in codependency

I need to reevaluate my needs

It's been weeks

And I haven't even written a single respectable thing

I'd love to have a quarantine buddy so I can stop masturbating so frivolously

I'd love to wake up

And not feel the urge to pick my phone up

I'd love to continue spending time with my son

To create, and cuddle, and sleep in til 1

Without lethargy or laziness or the onslaught boredom

I'd love to stop feeling guilt for my humanity

Every morning I take a second to stop and breathe

To decide to utilize this time wisely

Reassess my priorities

To continue bringing Light to the community,

I stare at the wall and remind myself to work on my own immunity,

Both physically and spiritually

That walls don't need to be a division

But a protection from our own empathy

I stare out the window and remind myself to move in grace and synchronicity

With that which has always called to me

It's not about the city, it's about the kingdom of being

It's about conscious movement and progression

Emotional digestion

Awareness of our energy invested in our intended direction